Steven Wright

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

Babies don’t need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach… it pisses me off! I’ll go over to a little baby and say ‘What are you doing here? You haven’t worked a day in your life!’

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Don’t you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don’t get it.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge… you can’t hear him talk.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

How young can you die of old age?

I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.

I bought some instant water one time but I didn’t know what to add to it.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I got a chain letter by fax. It’s very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

I got this powdered water – now I don’t know what to add.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.

I have an existential map. It has ‘You are here’ written all over it.

I have the world’s largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world… perhaps you’ve seen it.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I’m gone.

I installed a skylight in my apartment… the people who live above me are furious!

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I like to reminisce with people I don’t know.

I live on a one-way street that’s also a dead end. I’m not sure how I got there.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy’s. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing ‘Happy Birthday.’

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I’m the only one moving.

I saw a bank that said “24 Hour Banking,” but I don’t have that much time.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

I think God’s going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn’t have to go so fast.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, ‘Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.’ He said, ‘Yes, but not in a row.’

I went to a general store but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.

I went to a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specifically.

I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time”. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, “What for?” I said, “I’m going to buy some sugar.”

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

I wrote a few children’s books… not on purpose.

I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.

I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

If you can’t hear me, it’s because I’m in parentheses.

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

It doesn’t make a difference what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

My neighbor has a circular driveway… he can’t get out.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It’s in the apartment somewhere.

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

So, do you live around here often?

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

The other day I… uh, no, that wasn’t me.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

What a nice night for an evening.

What’s another word for Thesaurus?

When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, “Well, what do you need?”

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said “No, I made a few mistakes.”

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?