W. C. Fields

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.

Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.

Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.

Children should neither be seen or heard from – ever again.

Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?

Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.

Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I drink therefore I am.

I like children – fried.

I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

I must have a drink of breakfast.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.

I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.

I never met a kid I liked.

I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

I’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.

If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.

If there’s a will, prosperity can’t be far behind.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.

It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.

It’s morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.

Never give a sucker an even break.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.

Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.

On the whole, I’d rather be in Philidelphia.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.

Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.

Show me a great actor and I’ll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you’ve seen the devil.

Sleep – the most beautiful experience in life – except drink.

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.

There are only two real ways to get ahead today – sell liquor or drink it.

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.

Women are like elephants. I like to look at ’em, but I wouldn’t want to own one.

You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.